By Sue Gench
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Stacy: My boss is impossible to talk to when there is a problem.
Bobby: What'd you mean he is impossible to talk to?
Stacy: He doesn't listen what I have to say. When I talk, he interrupts. He's always right.
Bobby: Hmm. Did you ever try to talk to him when he is not under pressure?
Stacy: Of course, I did. He has this attitude "You dare criticize me." He sounds so angry whenever I speak up my mind.
Bobby: How do you talk to him? What's your strategy? Do you listen to him with empathy?
Stacy: I always listen to people without interrupting them.
Bobby: That's not what I mean. I mean: do you give him this impression? "I understand you. Yes, you have a point."
Stacy: When I don't understand him, I cannot say "I understand you."
Bobby: I didn't say you should agree with him when you don't.
Stacy: What'd you mean then?
Bobby: Your verbal and body language must convey a positive message to him.
Stacy: How?
Bobby: You listen to him with empathy. Listening with empathy means: putting yourself in other person's situation; understanding his/her situation.
Stacy: I know its meaning. Go ahead. What do you mean by right body language?
Bobby: Body language means the way we use our body movements or gestures in addition to verbal language.
Stacy: How can I listen with empathy and have a right body language?
Bobby: Well. People react positively when we listen to them with empathy and have a right body language.
Stacy: If he doesn't sound positive, that means I am not listening with empathy and don't have the right body language? Is that what you mean?
Bobby: The tone of your voice, the way you use your hands, you lean forward, have eye-contact, all that counts for body language.
Stacy: My voice? I just say politely what I think. I always have a steady tone of voice. My body language is just the way I am, respectful but honest.
Bobby: Being polite, honest or having a steady tone of voice are not enough for effective communication. You must have the right body language.
Stacy: Explain more. What'd you mean by right body language?
Bobby: You can speak up your mind with a soft tone of voice, by sounding like you are suggesting your opinion rather than being so blatant. You lean forward that makes you look receptive. In addition, try to be empathetic.
Stacy: Hmm. Blatant sounds an appropriate word for my body language. I seat straight and say what I think. Well, I'm perhaps so tactless when speaking up my mind.
Bobby: That might be the core of your problem.
Stacy: But, that's my nature. I don't have a soft temperament.
Bobby: Sounding empathetic has nothing to do with your nature. It has to do with your body language. You can cultivate body language appropriate for the situation.
Stacy: I'm no longer a kid around the block. How can I cultivate it?
Bobby: Hmm. I think you can begin with this idea: "Never assume you are absolutely right before you listen." We never are absolutely right even in most obvious situations. Therefore, in communication there is no such a thing as either black or white.
Stacy: This is interesting. I mostly believe if I'm right, I am right! Then I speak up my mind.
Bobby: That's not right, Stacy. Your being self-righteous may make you sound rigid. When we are rigid, we don't have a positive body language. We don't show empathy. We don't make the other person feel he is well-worth being listened to.
Stacy: Stop for a moment. If I have a right body language and listen with empathy, will he listen to me? Even though I disagree with him?
Bobby. Of course. He will do much better than now.
Stacy: OK. I should have empathy and positive body language, and what else?
Bobby: Well, there is a lot to it, of course. But we can wrap it up for now as: Listen with empathy; have a positive body language.
Stacy: Let me ask you once more. Positive body language refers to having soft manners, being polite, perhaps putting a smile on my face?
Bobby: Yap. All that counts. We also need to have eye contact with a person we're talking with.
Stacy: Yeah. I know that rule.
Bobby: But, you must pay extra attention to it that you are having eye contact when talking to the person.
Stacy: Ok. I understand what you're saying. What else?
Bobby: As far as I can think of anything else, why not ask questions?
Stacy: I like that. Actually, I always ask questions. People complement me on that. They say I listen carefully and ask good questions.
Bobby: See you've got that one right. You can also ask him for confirmation. By rephrasing what he said then ask: Is that what you mean?
Stacy: Wow! Keep talking.
Bobby: If you ask for confirmation, he will be much easy to talk to.
Stacy: My Goodness. I've learned something today. Thanks, Bobby, so much.
Bobby: You're welcome, Stacy.
Vocabulary:
face-to-face: in person; talking or meeting with somebody; opposite of online communication, communication over the phone; internet communication
communication: exchanging ideas in a language by way speaking to other person or writing other person or calling other person or emailing other person, and etc.
effective: capable of producing desired outcome
talk with: to talk with someone. Use with if you are having a conversation; use talk to if you have something to let other person know
interrupt: to cut in and talk before waiting other person to finish talking
have an attitude: show a disagreeable behavior, talk disagreeably, act disagreeably
You dare + verb: You cannot do it; it may cost you if you behave in this manner. We use this verbal phrase when we warn the person not to do something too costly. Example: You dare come home late when I cook and wait for you. This sentence means this: If you come home late, I will not serve you dinner, you will not have dinner.
speak up one's mind: to express without fear what you think
strategy: a way, style to present of one's idea
listen to somebody: listen to hear and act upon. Use 'to' with listen
empathy: putting yourself in other person's situation; understanding his/her situation
impression: the opinion we have on other's behaviors, acts and attitudes
have a point: to have a valid idea
agree with somebody: to think the same as the other person and express it with 'I agree with you'
verbal: to be capable of using words, expressing his/her ideas with words. Opposite of being 'quiet'
body language: the way we look, talk, sound, listen; the way we use facial expressions, hand gestures, and etc
convey: to pass on, give the impression, mean
message: the meaning of what we have say or have in mind
How am I supposed to? What is expected of me? When we don't know what to do, we use this phrase. Example. How I am supposed to write this paper? This sentence means this: I don't know how to write this paper. Please tell me how to do it.
react: to show a response to somebody who did something to you; said something to you
temperament: our emotional side; our way of reacting to others, events, problems, joys, and etc; the way we look to others: calm, nervous, angry, happy, quiet.. Example: Some of us have a calm temperament and never sound or look angry or upset. My mother had such a hot temperament; she would get angry so easily.
sound positive: what you said gives a positive impression to others
tone of voice: the intensity, pitch of voice. Example: a soft tone of voice, nice tone of voice
count: to matter. Example: Your opinion counts. This sentence means this: We value your opinion.
politely: having good manners, talking within social norms. Opposite of politely is 'rudely'
sound: to voice your ideas, feelings, and etc. You may sound upset, happy, positive, angry, and etc.
tactless: not being polished; opposite of being tactful; not talking nice
blatant: expressing yourself without tact; tactless
your nature: the way you act, think and react to life; your personality plus character
empathetic: understanding for others' problems, putting yourself in other person's place
nothing has to do with: there is no connection between two things. Example. My frustration has nothing to do with your English, but with your being stubborn.
it has to do with: there is a connection between two things. His success as a manager has to do with his people skills, communication skills
cultivate: to work on and develop an attitude. Cultivate empathy; cultivate patience; cultivate tolerance
a baby around the block: to be young and inexperienced
begin with: to start something with an idea or thing. Example: I begin my lunch with a soup first.
assume: to think before hand. To make judgments on others, situations without enough information
absolutely: altogether, precisely, exactly. Americans use this adverb to express their agreement with a person's opinion in conversation
either black or white: to think of ideas as only in two extreme points, like the colors black and white. But there are other colors in life, so we need to consider people's view points in a larger view. We should try to see variations in between two extreme points like the colors black and white. Example: Susan is not religious, so James thinks she is not a good person. It is not right for James to regard Susan in terms of either black or white. If a person is not religious, that doesn't mean she is a bad person. Susan is kind, interesting, and a caring woman.
self-righteous: believing oneself that he or she is always right in a given situation
to be well-worth: to be worth being considered, listened, taken care of, and etc.
disagree with somebody: to have an opposite opinion in a matter contrary to the other person's opinion. This verb is used as 'disagree with'.
do much better: to react, act or perform better
There is a lot to it: there are more ideas about something to consider. Example: There is a lot to good marriage than only love and money.
wrap it up: to finish up an event, conversation, writing, conference with a summary
once more: repeat something again
putt a smile on my face: to smile even when I don't want to
eye contact: looking at the person right in the eye and keeping your eyes sparingly at the person when talking. Eye-contact makes other person be aware of you are attending the conversation with him or her; you are engaged in the conversation.
confirmation: when conversing, to clarify what other person meant. We rephrase him/her and then ask: "Is that what you mean?"
rephrase: to repeat somebody's statements in different wording but keeping the meaning the same. Paraphrase means repeating the same wording
so to speak: as if that; almost like. Example: I had so much to get done last night. I didn't even have time to scratch my head, so to speak
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